PPTH Doctor Sudden Death Syndrome
by Vanamo
Summary: The hospital sure has been chaotic recently, and Thirteen is feeling a little strange. TOTAL CRACK, minor spoilers for Epic Fail.


Total crack! Multiple Pairings and loosely based on Epic Fail, but no major spoilers. I tried to make it absolutely idiotic, but my brain has been melting for a few days (super busy DX). Still, enjoy.

* * *

The ER was bustling with nurses, patients, and underpaid doctors. Overseeing it all was Queen Cameron the Caring, her Squire Head Nurse Bitchy Bitcherson, and her, oh god, Entertainer Thirteen the Magnificent.

"Babe," The Queen moaned, "Please,"

Thirteen continued to tease her, running her hands between her legs and sucking on her neck. "Not yet," She murmured.

The door opened suddenly, with three stupid looking interns standing there. "Need a third person?" One asked, surprisingly a woman. Another girl was gaping at them and a tall young man was looking through his fingers.

"Totally," Thirteen's voice was filled with lust, looking the woman up and down.

"Not," Cameron corrected. "Go change bedpans."

The two flunkies sighed heavily while the one on bisexadrine smirked and waved goodbye. Cameron groaned. Who knew affairs in her office were so damn difficult!

* * *

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The shots rang out as Thirteen blasted the virtual bats. Who knew being a monkey could be so awesome? All of the gymnastics from when she was a kid paid off! And these futuristic guns and funky gear was kind of sexy. Well, not on Taub, but on her definitely.

She felt a text coming through on her cell. She pulled off the helmet after seeing a bat fly right towards her (damn!) and read it. "_Is my place for dinner tonight ok?"_ It read. Thirteen smiled to herself, partially from the text and partially from Taub rolling on the floor like an idiot. She fired back a text of her own (because her fingers were that good, baby) and dragged Taub out by his tie.

* * *

By the time she got back to the hospital, she had to admit that she felt a little weird. She had found a small cut on her wrist from running into something she didn't remember. She also couldn't recall why they had even been there in the first place. She was really...thirsty.

Foreman was walking towards her. She just wanted to…get rid of him! Damn it, she was really thirsty.

"Hey," He said. His voice was so damn gravelly, it hurt her ears! "Dinner is at 8."

"NO!" She screamed in a much higher than normal voice. She grabbed his collar and lifted him up, sinking her teeth into his neck. He yelled in agony, drawing a large crowd who watched, stunned, as she sucked the neurologist dry and let his corpse fall onto the floor. Her grey shirt was now covered in blood.

Her next stop was a certain someone's office. She flew (literally) down the elevator shaft.

* * *

Cameron, of course had heard about Foreman's neutralization. It was time for operation 'Stop the operation!' which she had thought up all by herself over the course of five years.

Thirteen burst into the room in a wild frenzy. "I did it, I did it! I'm free!" She squealed.

Cameron locked their lips in a passionate kiss. After a minute she tried to take of Thirteen's shirt. Only then did she realize that she was covered in blood. "Baby, what happened?"

"I killed him! I sucked him dry! People will think a psych patient stabbed him or something, and after I kill Chase we can be together!" The brunette grinned, revealing her new teeth.

"Hun, you have fangs! How did you get these?" Cameron asked, stunned.

"Virtual bats silly!" Thirteen said excitedly, "I was just going to shoot him, but then House gave me some magic crackers and made me super hyper and immune to the obvious yet usually ignored anyway moral values our society is built upon! Isn't that great?!"

Cameron looked at her for a moment, then squealed just as Thirteen had. "I love you babe!" Then she locked lips with the younger doctor again. Wow, the only way this could get better was-

"I-I can't," Thirteen broke apart, panting, as the session became more heated. Yes, her wish for comfort time was granted!

"I c-can't baby…His blood was so disgusting and testosterone filled, I n-need…" She managed, suddenly drained of her adrenaline.

"What baby, what do you need?" Cameron said quickly, leading Thirteen to sit on top of her desk.

"Wilson," She breathed, leaning against the wall. "He's…taking estrogen."

"What?" Cameron asked.

"He and House are trying to get pregnant," She whispered just as softly. "I think it'll be twins."

"But how is that possible? I mean, He's definitely a man, without a uterus or eggs or a-"

"The Hilson writers say it's so!" Thirteen said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Now go, I need to restore my hotness levels to 50 times that of a normal person or my eyes will lose their ability to make straight women drool, my suspenders of doom will lose their ability to turn into whips, and I'll lose my mind control over House when he tries to seduce me!"

"What was that last one?" Cameron asked. She loved those suspenders.

"Nothing, nothing," Thirteen assured her. "And while you're out, pick up GQ magazine."

* * *

Meanwhile, House was busy in his laboratory, also known as Wilson's kitchen with sheets over the windows and doors, so it looked all scientific by the glow of UV lights. Thirteen had killed Foreman, which was great, but that cracker was supposed to cure Huntington's so he could make his little protégée! Freedom Master was currently testing the virtual reality game to observe the apparent vampire factor.

The timer went off, and he hopped up in his pink apron. "Oh boy," he said, looking down at his babies. "Now this is applied science!"

He gathered his creations in a container and grabbed his cane. His next stop was Cuddy's office.

* * *

Estrogen filled and on the prowl, Cameron and Thirteen made their way to the OR. They couldn't make Chase's murder as obvious as Foreman's, though House also made mind erasing cookies. Cameron came up with a genius plan, have Chase get eaten by a shark, but they were out. Why wasn't this hospital good for anything?

Cameron sat in the small side room of the robotic surgery lab. Thirteen would give her the signal, and for posterity she was going to record the whole scene and put it on her Youtube account.

"Chase," Thirteen purred, leaning against the wall, tilting her neck and widening her legs just so to look absolutely delicious.

"Thirteen?" Chase asked in the darkness. They had paged him for a patient, so he was clad in scrubs. He removed his mask and turned on one of the lights, illuminating one side of Thirteen's face. "I was paged."

"I know," She said huskily, walking towards him.

His breath hitched as her fingers danced on his shoulders, slowly making their way up his neck. "T-thirteen, I"

"Shh…" She whispered, not paying him any mind. "You know you want this." For effect, she ran her tongue along his pulse point. Cameron was getting frustrated just watching it.

"I want this," He repeated as she led him to the operating table. She pulled off his scrub top and laid him down on the cold metal table. He shivered from the temperature and from the visual of her slowly unbuttoning her blouse, revealing a black lace bra.

"Ready?" She whispered. He nodded hurriedly.

Thirteen clicked her tongue slightly. "So naughty, do you like it like that?"

He nodded again. Thirteen smiled one damn malicious smile and tied his hands down. "Sweet dreams," She said softly.

That was her cue – she turned on the robot and it stabbed Chase in the jugular with the scalpel. He screamed, but in this secluded hallway nobody would hear. Soon the noise stopped and both women smiled.

"If I turn him over, can you draw a smiley face on his ass with that thing?" Thirteen asked.

* * *

"House," Cuddy stood up from her desk,"What are you doing here?"

"I'm back." He announced. "And I want you."

Cuddy blushed, "That's completely-"

He limped over and pinned her to the desk, his breath on her neck. "Lisa," He placed a hand on her lower back and she didn't stop him. "Stop denying, I'm tired of wanting you so much!"

"I love you," She gasped.

"Shut up," He groaned.

Thirteen and Cameron burst in on the scene, panting.

"Uh, hi," Cameron said, not really caring what she had walked in on. "I just thought you should know that you have two dead doctors and we'll be on America's Most Wanted tomorrow night if you don't bury their bodies in the red ink. Can you get to it? Because we're going to get married and you're invited."

Cuddy groaned. "We don't walk in on your affairs!"

"Sorry," Thirteen deadpanned. "We'll come back in five minutes after you get all hot and bothered, then walk in and watch the rest. And we'll bring nurses."

"Wait!" Cuddy called, pushing House off her. "What do you want me to do?"

"Blame it on the PPTH-doctor-sudden-death syndrome." Cameron said. "That's four that have kicked the bucket in two years."

"Wow, you're right," Cuddy realized. "Wow, think of payroll I've saved! We should go on a cruise to celebrate after the wedding!"

"I know, right?" Cameron shook her fists together excitedly. "What do you think baby?"

Thirteen, during all of the commotion, had taken to leaning against the wall. "So hungry…he had a lot more estrogen in his blood, but it tasted like Australia."

"Australia is number #7 on the world's best lovers by country, though." House said.

"Ireland is #5," Thirteen fired back, "And Britain is the second worst."

"What does that have to do with me?" House asked.

"Just making the distinction," Thirteen replied, her voice becoming more labored again.

"Oh yeah, you all sexy and waiting for someone to jump you reminds me" House piped up, opening his container. "Anti-vampire pill and anti-Huntington's pill, three times a day for five days. Then we'll see if Cameron still loves you or if you committed two felonies for nothing. "

Thirteen popped the pills in her mouth. After a moment, she said, "These taste like Jolly Ranchers."

House nodded proudly, "Sour Apple,"

"Wow," Cameron said. "After all that research, they've never tried Jolly Ranchers?"

"Nope," Thirteen said, "Can I have some more?"

House held them to his chest. "Mine! They ease my pain, get your own."

"Hey, hey," Cuddy said. "You can kill each other later. Let's go."

Thirteen wrapped her arms around Cameron's shoulders, sticking her tongue out to reveal the green candy. "Wanna taste?"

"Oh yeah," House said. "Now this is something I can dig."

Thirteen rolled her eyes, but didn't object when Cameron started unbuttoning her shirt. She captured her lips and her hands dived into-"

* * *

"Ah!!" Thirteen sat up too quickly, panting. The sudden lightheadedness forced her back down, but not before her partner was disturbed. A groan came from the pillow, and House emerged looking gruff and sexy as ever.

"What's wrong?" He mumbled, groggy.

"I had this insane dream," She said, turning to face him. "I was dating Foreman-"

"Ew," He interrupted.

"I know," She agreed, "But I was having an affair with Cameron,"

House's eyes lit up and Thirteen hit his bare chest before he had time to be a pervert so early in the morning.

"Then somehow Taub and I were playing video games…and I became a vampire and ended up killing Foreman and Chase. Cameron and I were going to get married." Thirteen finished.

"What was I doing?" House asked.

"You cured Huntington's and were hooked on Jolly Ranchers. Also Wilson was carrying your babies." The brunette smirked.

House was silent for a moment. "I'm just that good."

Thirteen pushed herself up and on top of him. "Totally,"

* * *

Meanwhile, Taub was a ten foot tall goliath demon with a blaster ray, killing every single one of those fucking bats.

* * *

I promised Iyimgrace it'd be a House/13, and I know this isn't what supporters of either ship had in mind. Hey, it's called parady! Let me know what you think.


End file.
